He sat in the car, unable to move, his will gone. She drifted away from him on delirious winds. He checked out, went away. Don’t know how long he sat there. Shadows moving in the house. Had to go. Started the car and drove away. Wanted to just drive until the ocean washed up against the windows. Found himself in the apartment instead. Couldn’t sleep in the bed. Wasn’t his somehow. Curled up in the chair. Uncomfortable. Went to the bed anyway. Fitful and snarling. Someone else in the room. Dreamed of new gods searching for him, hiding behind jeweled doors.
Friday Night
The film ends and the lights come up on a single empty wine glass and utter silence.
Story of the Ghost
Despite the grief this whole saga caused me, this has recently been filed under Amusing Anecdote.
I typically do not discuss my relationships here, since I don’t believe it is fair to discuss the details of some other life without their permission. But I think I can make an exception here because this person doesn’t actually exist.
A couple months ago I was contacted by someone on my MySpace friends list, wanting to get to know me a bit more. I had a tendancy to add people to my friends list for no good reason. So I had some people on there I didn’t really know very well. So I started having a conversation with this woman, Chassity, and it turned out we had a great deal in common. We had phone conversations that lasted hours and hours. We really seemed to be hitting it off.
After about a month or so, we decided to meet for coffee. This precipitated a series of debacles in Chassity’s life that I won’t go into now because it would take too long. Anyhow, we weren’t able to meet. I was disappointed, but understanding. She said we could have dinner the following week, which didn’t happen. From that point on, whenever I brought up the topic of meeting for coffee or whatever, I would get no response. Somehow, despite wanting desperately to meet me, she never had a single spare hour in which we could meet. So I eventually gave up on the idea and we communicated less and less frequently.
A few weeks ago I was contacted by one of Chassity’s MySpace friends. Her friend hadn’t heard from Chassity in a while, she didn’t return emails and her home phone had been disconnected. Her friend thought that surely she would respond to me. By now our online relationship had become the stuff of legend amongst all of her MySpace friends. So I wrote an email, checking in on this mysterious woman. Of course, I received no reply. Her phone was indeed disconnected. Since her friend seemed really worried, I called up the radio station where Chassity had worked for the past eight years. No one there had ever heard of her. The receptionist, the radio personnel, her “boss”… none of them knew her name or description.
I felt the floor drop away from me as I entered some other realm. I wrote this guy I knew had met her in person because Chassity talked about hanging out with him, watching a movie. He said they had never met. I reported this all back to her worried friend. Then she said, “Well, YOU’VE met her in person, right?” I explained Chassity and I had never met. Her friend thought this rather odd because Chassity had given a detailed account of when we met at a goth club.
I was completely floored. Who was this person? Why had she fabricated this completely fictional life and deceived all of her friends online? Not just me, but at least 20 people. What did she have to gain from this?
I wanted to see if anything she had told me was true. Chassity had claimed to have performed in a play produced by a local theater group. I contacted the theater to find out more about the play. They had never produced the play she described nor did they recognize her. For whatever reason, she made up this play, described to me the plot and her role in it. Just like that, without missing a beat. But why?
What was true and what was a lie? The performance she gave was Oscar worthy. The nuances and tedious details of her daily workday… why would someone take the trouble to concoct all of that? For a while this really intrigued me. I wanted to know what had motivated this person to lie so convincingly about her life to so many people.
But then I got angry. I had trusted this person. We had discussed at great length the value of being genuine and how I had been burned so many times by fake people. She insisted she was real. She said her friends doubted *my* existence, that *I* sounded too good to be true. Everything we talked about, the emails, the long conversations, the discussions about spirituality, art, movies, video games, they did not add up to someone who was a liar. It still doesn’t add up.
After this roller coaster of feelings I rode with Chassity, I am left with this waking dream lesson: The person who is genuinely attracted to me and interested in me as a person does not exist. Chassity is the last in a long line of women who either vanish or only want me for something in particular, discarding me when they are done. I have seen little evidence that there is any other kind of woman.
So if you happen to see this person, chances are you don’t know her. Chances are that no one does. Chances are this isn’t her at all.
Theme Song
Salome continues to haunt me from the day I heard it. For me, Salome isn’t a woman in particular, but the sentiment of lost love, a relationship disillusioned by reasons inexplicable and shifting.
While the original Old 97s version is good, I’ve come to prefer the cover by Ryan and his friends on “Passing For Normal.”
Salome, uncross your heart
I know what goes on inside it’s over before it starts
Well I’ll stay all night, I’ll wait right here
Full moon might work magic, girl but I won’t disappear.
And I’m tired of makin’ friends.
And I’m tired of makin’ time.
And I’m sick to death of love.
And I’m sick to death of tryin’.
And it’s easier for you
Yeah it’s easier for you.
And it’s easier for you
Yeah it’s easier for you.
Salome, untie my hands
Well I’ll find another lady
And you’ll wreck another man.
It’s over now, and so are we
My blood’s turned to dirt girl
You broke every part of me
And I’m tired of makin’ friends.
And I’m tired of makin’ time.
And I’m sick to death of love.
And I’m sick to death of tryin’.
And it’s easier for you.
Yeah it’s easier for you.
Ghosts
Moments ago my bedroom window closed, apparently of its own accord, nearly crushing Neeka who was on the window sill at the time. I went to examine it and found that it was somehow latched shut, locking it closed. I undid the latch, but was unable to open the window again. It is as though the window is welded shut, though I do not see what could be preventing it from opening.
If I even imagine I see that pale little Japanese boy or that freaky girl who makes the clicking noise, I am going to end up sleeping under Nate’s bed across the street.
Frayed
Here is a post I wrote today for Frayed that I am especially pleased with. Frayed players should read no further as it contains spoilers.
—–
You pass your time card through the clock with a ka-chunk. It’s just after noon [How is that even possible? It seems much later than that. Fuck, now the bus’ll have to wade through lunch hour]. You take the stairs beside the loading dock, out into the alley, shrugging on your coat. It feels like the end of the day, like you have had hours of effort siphoned from you. The September air is crisp and pleasant, a kind of door you can put between you and the insular grey air of the warehouse. September, a month whose middle comes four days early now, twin skewers of tragedy protruding from the calendar, ground zero of a new era. The curriculum of your senior year at the University transformed overnight as fear took hold, tainting every topic. You quickly grew weary of your classmates’ unending screeds, as terrorism was now pertinent to a diverse array of subjects, the academic fallout of the new world order. Curfews on campus. The new social schisms of For and Against. Dissertations now scrutinized, filters checking for dissent. And no protective measures so far have made you feel any safer, perhaps the opposite. You look at your hand as you walk, a mysterious energy coursing under the skin, unknown agents perhaps at this very moment invading your body and mind. What level of alert should you be at?
You are approaching the mouth of the alley when your brain splits open, or at least something as startling occurs. Rings of bluish white light slice out of your head, superimposing grids of scan lines across your vision. It’s the sensation of pressing your face against a television screen not quite in tune. Images flash: a lanky black man with a huge ‘fro, looking like a character from a blaxploitation film, wielding a powerful handgun; two hulking ogre-like creatures; a combat of some kind, stylized, video game action; a ragged batlike shadow. Your hand sings with electricity and a voice informs you “Here our defenses failed and the timewraith lay hold of that which Hightower coveted.” The scenes snap loose and twirl ribbonlike into nothing, the sense of a planet-sized sphere shrinking back to its hidden compartment in your brain. It’s like waking from a dream, images still behind your eyes, wondrous yet somehow comprehensible.
You’re still walking towards the bus stop, the fantastic nature of this event rapidly fading into the mundane after just a few steps. [Shouldn’t you be more concerned? This happens to people with brain damage or mental disorders.] Waiting for the bus and getting on board are tasks relegated to a subconscious sub process you vaguely acknowledge. All the seats are taken, so you snag an overhead leather loop. Your stature and rugged look commands a few extra inches of personal space, but it is soon lost to the slippery whims of inertia as the bus creeps ahead. Today even less of your mind is concerned with the passengers surrounding you, a crush of layered clothing wrapped around a warm, smelly human frame. Random conversations bubble to the surface and pop in the air, a stew of sound bites. “Then he say, ‘Ma’am, weez all out of the salami!'” “Cannot fucking believe how he dicked me over. Both tickets, man!” “An insufferable drunk, to be sure, but he held my mother’s heart on a fob chain tucked inside his breast pocket.”
The conversations blend into the engine sounds, you stand looking at nothing, your body making tiny automatic compensations as the bus stops and starts. You feel like nobody and at the same time you feel like the only real person on the bus. Without concentration, a wash of mediocrity could easily flood this scene, coloring you and everyone else in shades of grey. What can you do or say that would matter at all right now? Even the otherworldly events of the morning would falter on your lips, eclipsed by the shrill pronouncements from the back of the bus, warning everyone about the CIA’s nanotransmitters at the sticky white core of every Twinkie manufactured after 1969.
City lunch hour traffic delays your ride by fifteen minutes, but at last you find yourself deposited at the corner where your rickety apartment building is located. The foyer smells like old people, furniture polish and dust. You tromp down the wooden stairs to where a large basement has been divided up into three apartments. After an almost superstitious combination of key, lock and door handle jiggling, you stand inside your apartment.
A red light throbs on your answering machine, next to your dying plant. The light is so rare that you at first mistake the device for some kind of bomb.
Torn
I fear nothing
Besides myself
Please don’t touch me
Love like an infant trying to stand up
Am I two souls
One hard, one whole
Am I real
I don’t want to feel anything
Anymore
I feel nothing
Besides this pain
Please don’t watch me
Love like an infant
Scared and crawling
– Toad the Wet Sprocket
Here’s a Thought
Prince Charming is a shoe salesman, with a whole truckload of glass slippers “just for you.”
Slam Idol Voting
Voting is now open at the Slam Idol website. You can listen to each of the six poets and then vote for them all on a ten point scale. Also, there is an interview Simon Toon did with me.
Photos v.2
Here’s a poem I recently reworked and tightened up a bit.
Photos
v.2
I spent five years filling up a photo album with a house, a car, a dog, a set of tools, a nice dining room set, and you.
And you in your wedding dress
And you smiling by the SOLD sign
And you raking the leaves
And you looking at me like I was forever.
I was an amateur photographer, to be sure
Shooting from the hip
Sending up a prayer that when the camera winked
Something would develop:
Be they happy accidents
The smeared blur of a smile
You on a camel, framed by a pyramid
The montage of a child’s face, my eyes, your nose
Or the sepia toned hope of you and me wrinkling in a sunset forty years away
But now I wonder
Did someone else borrow my camera for the last five years?
In the economy of betrayal
One word is worth a thousand pictures
“I do” bought two thousand moments
“Divorce” took half of them back
It’s an expensive word
It cost a house, a car, a dog, a set of tools, a nice dining room set, and you.
And you packing up your wedding dress
And you putting up a FOR SALE sign
And you leaving the rake
And you looking at me like I never meant anything
And it cost you me.
All those photos, just gone
As though I had spent the last five years taking pictures of the sun.